Fixing your gayness
by Ishouldbesleepingitslike4am
Summary: Castiel is forced to try and fix his homosexuality by his brother Michael. He doesn't want to, but he's required to keep a journal, documenting his attempt to fix himself. When his brother makes them all move to Kansas, Castiel meets Dean Winchester, who makes him proud to be gay. Told entirely through journal entries. I guess High School au. T for homophobic practices.
1. Chapter 1

**Well hello there! This idea came to me out of the blue, and let me tell you, I had fun with it! I do want to continue this. And I hope you enjoy it! **

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Dear diary,

I believe that is how one begins these. I'm not sure, as I have never had a journal before. I'm not even sure why I'm getting one now, the only thing I'm sure of is that it will make Michael happy. Or it will at least placate him for a while. Apparently I am supposed to use this 'diary' to get rid of my gayness.

How exactly does one go about getting rid of their gay, you ask? Michael made me do research so I am now an expert on ridding people of homosexuality. If I am being completely honest, I don't think it's possible to simply get rid sexual orientation, and I have expressed this view to Michael. He, however, believes I must try.

This entry is for step one. Admitting you're a homosexual. This step is relatively easy for me, as I have known of my own sexual preference for years. I am simply surprised it has taken my family this long to catch up. Yes, I am a homosexual. I enjoy the company of men. Preferably those with green eyes. I like green eyes.

-Castiel

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Dear diary,

Michael is pleased with my last entry. I am required to show them to him, and he was glad that it didn't stop me from including my honest opinions. He does, however, think we need to move. According to him, a scenery change will get me "straightened out" in no time.

We will be leaving next week. Our father owns a small but lovely house in Kansas, and we will live there. Gabriel is less than thrilled. He agrees with me and feels that it is ridiculous trying to force me into a heterosexual lifestyle. Lucifer is just plain annoyed. He will be staying in this house at least until he graduates high school. He is a senior, while I am a freshman. I don't think Gabriel will have a hard time finding new juniors like himself to hang out with. I, on the other hand, have always been on the quiet side, and I do not believe I will make any new friends. Not that I had that many here anyway, despite living here my whole life.

This brings me to the point of my entry. Step two: Discover the root of your homosexuality. I do not think there is a definite root. I would like to say it started at birth, and I can't change it, much like I can't change the color of my hair.

You can, however, dye your hair, and that is what I believe Michael is trying to get me to do. I will never be straight, much like I will never have blue hair, but I can cover up my dark brown hair and pretend I have blue hair.

This is a sick and twisted version of dying my hair.

-Castiel

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Dear diary,

My eldest brother was not in agreement with my last entry. He in making me redo step two in this entry.

I will get to that later, as I have become accustomed to writing what is going on in my life before getting to the fixing part. We are leaving for Kansas soon. Today was my last day at this school, and people acted weird around me. Apparently, Lucifer told everyone our real reason for leaving instead of the carefully constructed lie Michael came up with. To quote Lucifer, "Little Cassie's a queer so they wanna get him away from here ASAP. We don't want it rubbing off on you fine folks, now do we?" I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that Lucifer may not like me.

It was particularly hard for me in classes today, for I knew I would be leaving and not coming back. Most of the teachers said they would miss me and gave me a little hug, telling me they'd still be around if I needed a college recommendation letter. I am an exceptionally good student, which, now that I think about it, may be my reason for not having-or even attempting to seek out-companionship.

Thus concludes the new happenings in my life. This means I have to start the fixing. Once again, I bring you step two: Discovering the root of your homosexuality (new and improved). I say again that there was no definite root. I do have a legitimate reason today, however. My mother died when I was quite young so I never knew her. Without a maternal figure in my life, I knew only men. This may have contributed to my homosexuality. (but I still don't think it did. I mean, Gabriel also grew up without a mother and he goes home with every female in sight.)

-Castiel

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Dear diary,

I am pleased to say I have no correctional steps to go through in this entry. Michael was somewhat pleased with my last entry, though he says I am being "sassy". Gabriel was in the room when he said this and demanded to know when I got a sense of humor. He read my entry, much to my displeasure. Gabriel confirmed that I was indeed giving Michael "sass". I am still not sure what this is, though Gabriel seemed to find it funny. He even laughed at the comments I made about him, saying things like, "Don't worry, li'l bro, I'm not mad at you for saying what's true."

We are currently all in the car, all except for Lucifer, who, as previously mentioned, will not be leaving with us. He was very unpleasant to me today and yesterday. I am not quite sure why. I believe he does not agree with homosexuals in general, and took it out on me, the only homosexual he knows of. I am proud to inform you, oh favorite inanimate object of mine, that he could not get a rise out of me. And he tried so very hard.

It started when I woke up yesterday, he had immaturely set my phone alarm to go off at 2:00am. At first I just thought that Lucifer was in one of his pranking moods. I turned it off and went back to sleep. When I next awoke, Lucifer was standing over me and telling me to get up because I overslept for school. I simply thought I had been mistaken earlier and rushed around the room, getting ready for another long day. I then happened to glance at my clock. It was 4:00am. It was also Saturday. I grumbled at Lucifer for waking me up twice now and changed back into my pajamas.

Not much happened the rest of the day, except for more harmless joking. It was fun for him, I'm sure, like throwing several water balloons at me while I tried to read in the front lawn? Fun. Turning the milk blue so that I yelped in surprise and dropped my glass on the floor, shattering it? Fun.

This morning he was just plain mean. He kept making snide remarks about how we shouldn't have to leave and how it's all my fault. I am beginning to feel very guilty.

We are getting to Kansas soon. I hope I like it there.

-Castiel

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**I hope you liked it! Comments? Concerns? Continuity errors? If so, please let me know in the reviews! Or...you could also just tell me if you liked it. See you soon with chapter 2!**


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm cranking these out as fast as I can! I don't know how this got more favorites than follows. Usually it's the other way around...but hey! Ill take anything I can get!**

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Dear diary,

I do not know why I still document my life in your pages, even though I have no step to go through today. I am getting a small break because of school. I started classes today.

High school here is pretty much the same as high school back home. I have received several threats already, though that is expected when one is new to a school. In general, nobody is picking on me yet, I assume because they don't know what to expect from me.

It was one of my better days, overall. I made an acquaintance. His name is Dean. He appears to be fairly popular and athletic. Today in math, he told me I reminded him of his brother. He then proceeded to drag me to the side other side of the school and introduce me to said brother. Sam is nice enough, though he is four years younger than myself and Dean. We talked about Sam's studies for a while. He wants to be a lawyer. From what I have seen, that job suits him. He is very stubborn.

I look forward to seeing Dean tomorrow. He has green eyes.

-Castiel

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Dear diary,

This weekend I will be participating in "gender appropriate" roles in another attempt to become "manly". Such activities include learning about cars, climbing a tree, and other masculine activities. I do not see how this will help me. Despite the close-minded belief, sexual attraction has nothing to do with being artistic or creative.

I am not looking forward to this weekend.

I saw Dean again today. He told me that Sam "wouldn't shut up about that new smart friend of mine". It took a few moments for me to register two things. 1) Dean was talking about me 2) I was his friend. It made me extremely happy. Whereas I had nobody to sit with at lunch the pervious day, I now sit with Dean and some of his friends. They have accepted me, and for that I am very grateful.

First, there's Chuck. He likes to write about demons and folk lore. I brought the journal to school today and Chuck wanted to know what I had written in it, but I wouldn't let him. He seemed disappointed.

Next, there's Garth. He is...unique. He never ceases to surprise me. There is quite honestly no way to describe Garth.

There's also Jo, who is basically Dean in a female body. She's tough and witty. She and Dean get along very well.

I am glad that I now have people to sit with. I would have eventually resorted to the library, which is currently my favorite room I'm school.

Apparently, the "gang" as Dean refers to his group of friends had planned to see a movie this Saturday, and I am now part o the group, so he invited me to go along with them. I wish more than anything I could go, but Michael is taking me to a baseball game. I don't want any of my new friends to be scared off by my "rehabilitation" so I simply told them that I was busy.

I did, however, have to explain Gabriel when he walked by our table and ruffled my hair on his way past. They all found it rather amusing, but I did not. I am happy to report that, as suspected, Gabriel has had no trouble fitting in.

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm not having any trouble either.

-Castiel

Dear diary,

Today went very badly.

It started out ok, Gabriel gave me a ride to school as normal, I went to classes as normal.

What wasn't normal was for me to leave behind my journal, you, in one of my classes. It didn't take someone long to find it, and took them less time to figure out it was mine. There is only one Castiel in the grade so I can't imagine it was that hard to figure out. In what I must assume was record time, they had shown it to their friends and rumors spread. I wasn't even aware my book was missing until someone threw it at me. There was profanities written in some pages, but thankfully in pencil so I was able to erase them.

Now that everyone not only knew about my sexuality, but also my brothers attempt to fix it, I am more of an outcast here than I ever was. I couldn't bring myself to even go to lunch, and I avoided Dean at all costs today. I sat in the library during lunch period.

I have never felt so upset at Michael. I am fairly good at controlling my anger, but right now I can't decide between yelling and screaming or laying down and crying. For a whole day I had friends. Only one day. And then it was all taken away from me. I don't blame this notebook, however. I blame myself, I blame Michael, I blame the person who couldn't mind their own business, but I don't blame this journal.

If not for this journal, I would be going crazy right now.

-Castiel

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**So, Cassie's pretty upset! This isn't good! Not at all! Ill be back soon, as ideas are abundant and writers block is nowhere to be seen.**


	3. Chapter 3

**I have no idea where these chapters are coming from! Let me tell you, I am normally shit at updating.**

**Also, a shout out to those of you that enjoy the format! I was really nervous because I've never written in first person before.**

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Dear diary,

It is Wednesday. I am not going to school. When I am extremely nervous, my body reacts by making me sick. It has become quite useful over the years, and today I am particularly grateful. Of course, Gabriel knew something was up as soon as I didn't get up at 5:30. He actually woke up because of the lack of noise.

Gabriel made me tell him what had happened. He's always been so in tune with me. Sometimes, like right now, I'm very thankful that I have a brother like Gabriel. Other times he can be beyond annoying.

Michael doesn't, and most likely never will, know about this. He's still going to make me go to that stupid baseball game and behave like a moron all weekend. I am beginning to resent this.

I am beginning to resent this a lot.

-Castiel

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Dear diary,

Gabriel forced me to go to school today. It wasn't very pleasant. Many slurs were thrown at me, though Gabriel did help a bit. If it were Lucifer here he would have joined in with them, but not Gabriel. Gabriel told me this afternoon that he punched someone on my behalf. It really shouldn't make me feel better, but it does.

Dean tried to talk to me, but I have avoided conversation so far. I can't face him after this. Dean needs better friends than me. I have a feeling that he's going to make me speak to him even if I don't want to. I do hope to continue avoiding it for as long as possible.

I got through most classes without anything drastic, but by the end of the day, I began to grow very tired of being shoved with an "Oh, sorry didn't see you there,". I have been raised to have the best manners so I accepted their faux apologies. This seemed to make them more amused. Today I didn't eat in the library, but out in a field by the back of the school that seems secluded. It was the best part of my day. I wasn't interrupted and I was quite relaxed.

Right now, I'll be lucky if I survive until the weekend without commuting homicide.

-Castiel

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Dear diary,

I haven't killed anyone.

I'm feeling considerably better today. It happened while I was eating my lunch in the nice little field that I found yesterday. I had zoned out and I didn't notice Dean until he was standing over me. I can remember out exact conversation.

"Cas?"

"Oh. Hi, Dean."

"What's up, man? You haven't let me talk to you."

"...how'd you find me here?"

"Gabe. Listen Cas, why've you been avoiding me?"

By now, Dean was sitting on the ground beside me.

"...I-I guess I was...embarrassed. I thought you wouldn't want to be my friend anymore."

Dean was silent for quite a while. I remember being very nervous.

"Cas, I really don't care if you're gay. I don't even care that your weirdo brother thinks you need fixing. You shouldn't have to do that. It's not right. I'm normally not so good with all this feely, emotional crap, but...I can tell you one of my secrets, to...you know, show my support I guess?"

"You really don't have to."

"I-I want to ok?...I'm gay, too."

It was my turn to be silent. Dean shifted uncomfortably for a while.

"Thank you."

Dean promised to eat with me back there in the field.

I am now very happy even though tomorrow I will be subjected to "manly" activities.

-Castiel

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Dear diary,

I went to a baseball game today. I was also forced to go for a "jog" when we got back. I am quite skilled at jogging, which came in useful when halfway through my jog, students from some of my classes saw me and started chasing me. Thanks, Michael.

I was able to get away. Apparently, because of my studious behavior, they believed that I wouldn't be able to outrun them. Heaven forbid an intelligent person be athletic as well!

Michael no longer needs to check my journal because the written portion of my fixing is complete. I will not stop writing, however. If not got this, I would have just bottled up my emotions as per usual.

I've heard that's unhealthy.

-Castiel

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Dear diary,

Michael made me go fishing after church today. It was the single most boring experience of my life.

Fishing, I mean.

I didn't catch a single fish, and sat there all day. Nothing happened at all. It was like watching a movie about two guys sitting on a couch the whole time. You sit there, waiting for something to happen, anytime now, you tell yourself. But nothing happens. Nothing. At. All. (I acknowledge that those were not complete sentences, but my creative writing teach tells me that making each word it's own sentence makes a point more stressed.)

I hope I never go fishing again in my life.

-Castiel

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**I don't know how often ill be able to update from now on. My grandma's here and my period's early. By two weeks. Aren't I special? ill aim for as often as possible! Thoughts? Comments? Criticism? Condolences? All welcome! Now, I must go enjoy this period for as long as I can! Yay! I'm hungry and feel like I'm going to throw up at the same time! Wheee**


	4. Chapter 4

**First of all, I never wanted to be away for this long. I would have published sooner, but I have spent the last few days at a lake house with no wifi. I'll try and get back on track with these updates!**

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Dear diary,

As much as I avoided it, I'm glad Dean and I spoke. He has made my school days mostly bearable, and he, like Gabriel, has defended me on several occasions.

Gabriel. What to do about Gabriel. He was going to pick me up and take me home, as normal. I'd been waiting for ten minutes before he shows up, as normal. The only thing that's not normal is that he had a bloody nose when he gets in the car. Gabriel wouldn't talk to me the whole way home. Only when we got inside, under the threat of telling Michael when he got home, did my brother tell me wheat happened.

As Gabriel tells it, one of his friends was "bad mouthing" me. Gabriel politely told him to "shove it" and a fight ensued. Unlike earlier, it does not make me feel better to know Gabriel stood up for me. When he just punched one person, it was alright because he did not get hurt at all in the process. Now that he has sustained minor injuries on my behalf, I feel as though I could have in some way prevented the fight from occurring.

I am very bad with emotions. I'll have to ask Gabriel about this feeling.

-Castiel

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Dear diary,

Gabriel says what I am feeling is called guilt. It's the emotion for when you feel bad for doing something, although it can even occur when there was no way to prevent an event from occurring. I have never gotten into trouble, and I have in the past handled myself so guilt was never really a problem.

Until now.

Gabriel tells me that there is no need for me to feel guilty. I asked Dean about it today. The conversation was pretty morose. I can't remember it word-for-word, but it went something like this.

"Dean?"

"Yeah, Cas?"

"Have you felt guilt?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I am experiencing it now, except logically, there is no reason for me to feel responsible."

"I get whatcha mean, sometimes you just can't help it."

"May I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"What is it you feel guilty about? You obviously don't have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable."

"...I'd rather not talk 'bout it. If you don't mind."

"Not at all."

I do not know what he felt guilt over, but he looked very upset. I hope as a friend, I can help him not feel this terrible emotion.

Guilt is very unpleasant. I should follow Gabriel's advice and just not feel it, but that is easier said than done.

-Castiel

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Dear diary,

I have made Gabriel promise not to get in any more fights. I figure this is the fastest way to make my guilt disappear. Or at least not add any more to it. He told me that he couldn't make any promises, but he'd try.

This weekend I will be forced to partake in more manly activities. We will be going to a movie theater and seeing The Avengers. I do not understand why this particular movie would make me more of a man, but Gabriel insisted. Michael will be leaving this weekend to check on Lucifer at the old house. This means Gabriel will be in charge of my manly activities.

This also means there will be no manly activities. For which I am very grateful. Well, except for The Avengers.

-Castiel

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Dear diary,

I dreamt for the first time in a long time last night. I'm not sure what the dream means. It was very obscure.

I dreamt I was back at my old house, and my parents were there. Apparently, I was getting married and Gabriel was taking me out for a bachelor party. His wedding gift to me was twenty-seven baby mice. I kept them in my backpack, and we spent the night playing monopoly over and over again. When I asked where Dean was, Gabriel was very confused and told me "you'll be seeing him soon enough".

Next thing I knew, I was walking down the aisle towards a figure in a dress whose face was obscured by a veil. I stood next to the figure and lifted the veil, only to hear a piercing scream, and then darkness.

This was where I woke up. I cannot remember the last time I had such a vivid dream. My insomnia usually prevents me from having any dreams. I only have a bad enough case to keep itself noticeable, not enough to need medicine.

I hope I have more dreams. Sleep is boring without them.

-Castiel

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**In case you're wondering, Castiel's dream was inspired by a dream I had the other night. Also the stuff about the insomnia and not dreaming. Well, I'd love to hear what you guys think! More Sam? More Gabe? More Dean? Anything you want!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey there guys! Sorry about not updating in forever, there's just been a lot if stuff going on. My cat died, I dyed my hair, and I'm going back to school soon. Ill post a new chapter soon I swear.**

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Dear diary,

It has been nearly a week since the school found out about me. There have been no major incidents, save for Gabriel's fight. Dean an I are becoming very close friends. He likes to talk about classic rock, which is a type of music. Upon hearing that I knew nothing of his favorite musical artists, he invited me to his house this weekend to "educate me on the best music". I've asked Gabriel an he said it was alright.

I am beginning to believe that my feelings towards Dean are slightly more than normal friendship. I'm fairly certain that he has yet to notice this. For that, I am very grateful. Michael would not be pleased to know I have less-than-platonic feelings towards Dean.

I don't know if I can hide this from him, it is what he's been working against, and he'll make us move again. Moving was hard enough once, and I'm not sure if I would be able to handle to ordeal again.

At any rate, I hope both Michael and Dean remain oblivious of my crush, as I believe it's called.

-Castiel

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Dear diary,

I went to see The Avengers with Gabriel. In the end, he revealed that the movie would not improve my manliness, but he just wanted me to go with him. As I am unaware of the backstories of the characters in the film, I had trouble understanding what was happening. It involved a lot of explosions, which I assume is why Gabriel was referring to Tony Stark as "hot".

Gabriel has yet to tell Michael of his attraction to both sexes, though I wouldn't be surprised if he refrained from doing so. After what he's done to me, I'd be shocked if Gabriel did tell him.

I'll be at Dean's house tomorrow. We'll be watching a movie and he's going to make me appreciate classic rock "even if it kills [Dean]". I would find it rather unfortunate if it did kill Dean, though he informed me that it was a figure of speech.

I hope Dean doesn't wear his AC/DC shirt, it looks very good on him, and that would be very bad when I'm here, trying to restrain my feelings for him.

-Castiel

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Dear diary,

This is bad. This is very very bad. I can't let anyone know about this, I don't even know if I can trust this journal, the closest thing I have to a creative outlet.

This is so bad, if anyone found out, I'd be packing for Alaska. This is so bad. So so bad.

I assume you still have no idea what I'm going on about. Good. You don't need to know. If anyone found this again, if Michael read this, as he has rights to, I'd be shipped off somewhere. There's no telling where, just as far away from Dean as possible. Oh dear, now you know it's about something that happened at Dean's house.

I can hold this in, someone needs to know.

But I can't tell anyone, they'll make me leave Dean behind.

But Dean said he wouldn't let them take me away, he said he'd protect me.

Dean doesn't know Michael.

That's true.

Exactly, what does Dean know? He's only known me a week, and now he's confessing feelings for me? What kind of person does that?

But I have feelings for Dean as well. And, it's hardly polite to begin crying after he kisses me.

He probably doesn't like me anymore anyway. He probably thinks I'm just a wimp that can't stand up to his family.

No, no, Dean understands. He held me when I was upset and told me everything would be okay. I can trust him.

Oh dear, I kissed him.

-Castiel

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**DUN DUN DUN! Haha, be sure to let me know what you guys think!**


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